Healing — Bri Reddick

Shrill is a Hulu Original, starring Aidy Bryant as Annie, a young woman navigating her career, love life, and familial dynamics alongside body politics. Shrill explores the way fulfillment and happiness are measured in reference to women’s bodies and their agency in controlling them. One of the ways this manifests is through Annie’s relationship with her mom, who pushes dieting on her because she assumes that Annie is discontent with her figure because she is not thin. This is also evident in Annie’s relationship with her anonymous troll, who she eventually learns suffered childhood trauma from fat shaming and bullying, and projects onto Annie his emotional repression. So while Annie is learning how to live in her embodiment, she is constantly victimized to the policing of her body, behavior, and emotions, especially in relation to food.

Shrill forced self reflection because it took a different approach to telling a story about fatness, that is not in proximity to losing weight. In the media, we are trained to pity anyone that deviates from thinness and to weaponize healthiness in order to deem what bodies are desirable. Annie was able to reclaim her identity as a fat woman and make space for her existence in unwelcoming environments, including her job. Her story perfectly balanced her struggles but also her agency. It absolutely forced me to think about the ways I enforce fatphobia and impose ideals onto others bodies, and to sit with the reality that health and thinness are not synonymous. Wellness looks different for different people.

For starters, I have ascribed to a pescatarian diet for about three years now. I began this journey out of curiosity and a desire to live a healthier lifestyle, and for the most part I have achieved this goal. I learned to cook so many incredible dishes, how to maximize nutrients, and how to love food. In the beginning, my body was reacting great to this new diet change; I experienced more mild periods and more energy. However, as time went on, my diet became more about restrictions than what was best for my health. I began to strip more and more elements out of my diet, including dairy, fish, sugars, and caffeine. While this was supposed to be a good thing, my loving relationship with food was interrupted. I love green juices and kale as much as one possibly could, but these food items were performative measures in order for me to feel included in this plant based culture that has dominated the society around me. I found myself eating less food, having less energy, and dreading meal times. I also lost a lot of weight, which was fearful because I am already quite thin.

What I will say is that plant based diets can be great, for some. In my experience, I did not feel like my body was reacting well to this diet, and I found it more limiting than freeing. This is not to say that I do not center plants in my diet, because I do, but that my diet does not solely consist of greens and fruits. Now, I practice a plant forward diet, meaning I eat majority plants, however I incorporate small to moderate amounts of fish, dairy, and sugars that my body responds well to. I love that healthy diets have managed to make their way into the mainstream, however I want to reiterate how important it is to listen to your body and do what makes YOU feel good. Eat for you, not for others.